Sleep? Forget about it!

So I seem to be losing my mind. Not in an early dementia way although there is a family history but more in just a way that my mind seems to be so full of things that I need to remember that I can no longer sleep or I’ve forgotten how to.
Seriously I lie awake and try to remember which side I like to sleep on. Left with right knee raised? On my right side with my legs out straight? On my front? Ouch, No! So it must be my back but then the internal debate starts.
“Really? I thought it was the left? What would you know? I know as much as you. And well look where that’s getting us”.
Sleep (like my memory)seems to conspire against me lately. I saw an article in a magazine recently about the benefits of brain training. I read the same paragraph 5 times and gave up.
I am possibly just forgetful or maybe it’s just the lack of sleep making me this way.
I make lists now. Lots of lists. I set alarms. I write on my hand and leave post it notes at work.
Or here’s another theory. Maybe im not losing things, maybe my handbag is just too big… an undiscovered Black Hole?
Things go in there and never come out. Keys, money, snacks and phones can hide mysteriously until I empty the bag and they reveal themselves.
Maybe I should worry about all this. Maybe I shouldn’t. I’ll decide and put  it on the list. Maybe I’m losing my mind or maybe it’s just hiding in my handbag.

Things I don’t have time for…

I am just so damn busy and so damn important that I just don’t have time for this. Well actually I’m not and I probably should make time for some things, just not the following things.
Number one thing that I don’t have time for anymore… Milk in my coffee. Started drinking short macs because anything that takes longer to drink than the accompanying Babycino’s will be wasted. And as a side note to all cafe owners (assuming that ALL cafe owners read my rants) DO NOT bring the kids drinks out before mine or too long after mine or it just doesn’t work.
Things I don’t have time for number two… hand washing and ironing. Given the choice of 5 minutes more sleep or ironing in the morning I will be sleeping. And hand washing? Pfft! I allocate myself 3 minutes in the shower before the kids lose the plot. I refuse to spend longer washing an item of clothing than myself.
Things I don’t have time for number three… Now this might be a bit too literal but I really don’t have time for clocks that are wrong. Not worth the paper they’re… well you get the picture.
Other things that I don’t have time for…
– getting sick (I could probably catch a cold around the long weekend if I had to have one)
– friends that you have you be nice to ALL the time (um, like hello)
– cooking a pie in the oven (40 minutes for lunch requires too much forward planning)
– collecting parcels from the post office (just because)
– AND… waiting in traffic at the train crossing near my house (not that I have a choice).
Now if I had millions of followers I’d now ask you what don’t you have time for but I don’t. 
And if I did I certainly wouldn’t have time to read them all.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy… Or not!

Happiness is… so damn fleeting! You find yourself caught in the most perfect of moments, for example:
– a child free sleep in
– a fruit bagel with jam and cream cheese
– a pair of shoes that both flatter your calves and are comfortable
– a perfect shuffle on your iPod
– sunshine coming through your window and hitting you gently in the face
– a card in the post that you weren’t expecting.

But then it’s gone, all gone and you find yourself 10 minutes late for a party, staring at Google Maps and wondering which direction west is?

And it is at this stage that I start to doubt myself and who I am and if there is anything good about me and why the heck did I bother washing my seam free undies and drying them on the back of a door just so that when (if I get to the party) I don’t embarrass myself with a visible panty line faux pa?

These are the things that can bring me undone. Not the screaming children at the shops (secure your belongings and get the hell out of there) nor the sleep depravation (self inflicted with late night coffee) but just the mundane. 

Are we all like this? Is it always the straw that broke the camels back? The mouse that sank the boat? Is it always the little things? 

I think for me it is. 

So… please feel free to run me over, steal my bag and spill a beer down my back. Just don’t let me lose my keys!

Free holiday? Hmmm, let me think about it.

So I heard about a competition to win a Queensland holiday. Sounds good in theory right but the whole idea left me with some serious questions.

Now lets just say for arguments sake that I had entered (I didn’t) and won (well you’ve got to be in it to win it) a Queensland holiday my first decision would be easy I know that I would want to spend more than 24 hours away from my 2 gorgeous children for the first time in 4 years… but here is my issue, would I have to take my husband?

See we don’t travel well together. We are not compatible on holidays. We fight or should I say I fight. I get bored and pick fights. He walks too fast, he walks too slow, he acts like a tourist or he doesn’t ask for directions enough. And I know it’s not his fault because I have had other bad holiday experiences with other people… don’t ask, it was awful!

Me? I’d like a week on my own to relax and unwind. Read my book on the beach, do every activity listed at the resort or just wander around trying out every cafe in the area. Whatever I wanted, when I wanted!

I want to want to travel with my husband and share new experiences and see new things and explore beaches, markets and the Great Barrier Reef but I really just don’t want to.

Hang on a minute… snorkelling on the Great Barrier Reef may be the perfect answer to my dilemma. Spending time together without having to talk and as long as he doesn’t scare off the fish or take unflattering photos of me in my spotted one piece swimsuit we should be fine! Well a girl can dream can’t she?

Novelty T-Shirts… are they all they’re cracked up to be?

So let me start by saying that I have in the past I have both bought and owned a novelty t-shirt, in fact they are kind of hard to throw out. All that witty goodness presented in a practical way… whats not to love?

So it got me thinking about what makes a good novelty t-shirt and which ones will you see reduced to $4.74 at Big W at the end of the season before being shipped off to people who have suffered some horrific natural disaster in a third world country and end up with a Duff Beer t-shirt to show for it.

You know what I mean right? There is a level of commitment involved for both the wearer and the reader of the novelty t-shirt. You need to be guaranteed some sort of laugh or smirk to warrant wearing one in public. Nothing worse (slight exaggeration/poetic licence) than going to the effort of reading a t-shirt only to find out that it’s not funny. And then you are forced to grin, grimace or give the raised eye brow half smile?

I think that a basic black/dark grey/navy t-shirt with white writing is best and preferably a raised painted on old school font that gets you nostalgic before even reading the message. NEVER ever go for that puff paint look with a sea horse and stars. I’m not even going to bother explaining why.

Then you need something snappy to say or something long enough to draw the reader in and then smack em in the face with your punchline.

Here are my suggestions:

  • And this is me on a good day.
  •  If you keep reading this you might not notice the huge pimple on my chin.
  • This t-shirt also comes in red.
  •  I’m local.
  • Have here or take away?
  • Someone who loves me went to Disneyland and bought me this t-shirt and while I usually wouldn’t be seen dead in it I really don’t have anything else clean to wear…

So yeah, um, okay I won’t give up my day job but I do think that sometimes it’s important to spend an inappropriate amount of time on a topic that really isn’t important just for the sake of it.