Hello! It’s me. The over thinker (and by extension over sharerer) here.
I was asked recently if I was happy and having thought about it for a while I’m not really sure.
I looked up the definition of the word.
1. Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.
2. Having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with (a person, an arrangement or situation).
So um yeah. I guess that I am happy most of the time but for some reason the word happy in my head conjures up the image of a child laughing on a swing.
Not weird. Okay. Maybe a bit.
So why do I think I’m not happy? I’m not sure. Possibly I’m not LOLing enough. Hmmmpphhh. Or maybe I am waiting for someone to tell me that I’m happy.
Is there a Minister for happiness who will let me know? Hey you. Yeah. Quick. You’re happy right now. Enjoy.
I had a lot of happy moments today. A perfect Bircher muesli. Multiple good coffees. Snakes and Ladders with the kids. Ice Cream and DVD with my husband.
Lots of good moments that I enjoyed. Where I felt happy. With people who make me happy. With people that keep me happy.
A little part of me is scared that if I rely on others to provide my happiness then I’m not really in control. I like being in control. Not in a freaky way (see what I did there).
So sometimes I feel the need to be away from the people who make me happy to see if I can do it on my own. So I go to the gallery. Read my book in a cafe. Go for long walks while listening to my iPod and questioning how well my shuffle really understands me.
And now to finish (because let’s face it this whole tirade is beginning to feel disjointed and nonsensical) I want to tell myself to shut up. To stop worrying about my emotions and feelings and just feel them. To live the life of an emoticon. To just be… Or not be and not ask so many questions.
“God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference”
Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Neibuhr
Really what I would like to add to this is grant me the peace to not care so much in the first place.
Give my head a rest from worries.
I don’t want to just accept the things I can’t change I don’t want to know about them in the first place.
Ignorance is bliss… but caring is hard work.
I sometimes feel like my head is full of thinking about other people which can get quite tiring and makes me want to hide in a cave… (with a coffee machine of course).
I know that the best people think and care about others but I think that maybe they are born with an extra part of their brain that they are able to switch off like some sort of fire door.
I do not have this ability.
I worry about a lot of things. Most of which I can’t control which makes me worry more about my worrying.
So when I think about the Serenity Prayer I am concerned that maybe I’ve missed the point. But I won’t worry about that for now.
Last night I spent a few hours in the local hospital emergency room with my 5 year old son who had fallen off our trampoline and landed on his head.
He’s fine. And has new Lego. And the trampoline has been moved. And hopefully my guilt will diminish slightly with each passing decade.
It struck me that hospital emergency departments bring out the best and worst in people.
I know this is a small case of pointing out the bleeding obvious but seriously the pain, stress, fatigue, hunger, thirst, loneliness was palpable and more than just a little bit pungent.
I was worried but I like to make jokes to deal with it. I was also carrying a 21kg child while praying that my pants wouldn’t fall any further down my butt.
There were people complaining about waiting. There was a lady talking very loudly on the phone to her mum telling her not to cry because it would make her cry. There was the old guy in his jocks in a wheel chair with a blanket who looked pleased when the girl who was stoned was stroking his arm. There was the lady with the baby who couldn’t speak English and then her mum came in and gave her noodles.
There was the doctor (who looked too young) that tried to make the 7 year old girl that broke her arm jumping on the couch smile. There were the 2 guys waiting with the girl who was lying on the bed in the kids room that kept trying to cheer her up with strange photos and quotes from the Internet. There were of course the nurses who were rushed off their feet and doing their best.
And there was a volunteer lady who came around and offered all the kids knitted bears to hug while they waited and take home to show their friends. Yep. There are people who volunteer to spend their time in hospital waiting rooms just looking after the people that are waiting.
Good people are everywhere.