“I didn’t want to borrow trouble.”
I just read this line in a book and it made me stop.
To put the quote in context the lady in the book is starting up a class made up of a small group of people who she isn’t sure will all get along. “I had my doubts about the women making up this class, but I didn’t want to borrow trouble”.
Arggggghhhhh! This is me. Or more precisely this is what is wrong with me. I borrow trouble. I worry about things incessantly. I worry about conversations I’ve had with other people. I worry about things that are happening next week and I worry about things that will never happen at all.
Convincing myself of the worst case scenario and then playing a quick (and always losing) game of double or nothing.
Apparently I need help with this.
Most people don’t obsess about how others feel and think.
Off the top of my head I can tell you word for word conversations that I had weeks ago that I should have phrased better and how I should have said nicer things.
And when you spend your time worrying that you might have said the wrong thing all the time, well sometimes it’s easier to stop having the conversations in the first place.
And it kind of makes sense that if you’re not talking to people and reaching out to others that they will stop reaching out to you.
And suddenly you’re rather lonely, and sad.
And a massive black hole just swallowed up the sun and you’re the only one who noticed. But you’re also too tired to care or tell anyone and that makes you feel guilty too.
And everyday you get up and wonder how you’re going to fake it through the day.
Yep. This is the sad post. The one where I sound all down and dark and gloomy.
But I’m okay now.
I know that there are people far worse off than me and that all of us have problems and issues and that I’m not the first person to feel like this.
But this isn’t just in my head and it won’t go away just by wishing and hoping.
So it’s probably time to buckle up, enjoy the ride and get on with it.
And for those of you playing along at home the quote came from the book “A Good Yarn” by Debbie Macomber.
It’s a pretty crap book actually and I seem to be reading them (yep, there’s more than one) out of order because I already know that Brad and Lydia will get married but you can have it after I’m done if you like.