You know that saying “if it takes a stay in a psychiatric hospital for you to admit that you need help then something is wrong”?
No? Well it’s one that I heard a lot recently in my group sessions… during my stay in a psychiatric hospital.
So in order to avoid any further time “on the inside” I feel that I should quietly point out now that I need a little bit of help at the moment.
An exotic combination of depression, stress at work, stress at home and lack of sleep all wrapped up in a mask of denial has been my undoing.
But it’s all good now.
No actually it’s not. It’s definitely not.
I wish that I could pinpoint one thing that pushed me over the edge but I can’t. Everything just got so heavy and I just kept pretending that I was okay.
A few of my closest friends saw it coming but I didn’t know how to stop it and I didn’t want to bother anyone by asking for help.
So a little word of advice for you all. Let your mask down sometimes. Ask for help if you need it. Just don’t ask me just yet, I need to help myself first.
* Oh and for heavens sake watch out for the middle aged men during morning meetings. Those guys are worse than teenage boys when it comes to sexual innuendo.
And yes they will snigger at you every time they see you and ask if you’ve had your daily long black yet but in a way that suggests that they’re glad to see you and appreciate that you make them smile.
* * Some other “helpful” sayings from the psychiatric hosptial:
-Believe it to achieve it.
-Motivation follows action.
-It takes 6 weeks to make a habit.
-Failure to plan is planning to fail.
I need to put this out there.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I don’t feel bad enough for other people going through hard times.
Terrible things keep happening. Things I know about because they’re on twitter, on the news and in the papers.
Horrible storms, fires and floods that seem to be getting worse because of climate change. That’s a real thing by the way.
And the atrocities that are caused by us. People. Against other people.
But I don’t know you or them.
Just as the births and deaths in my life don’t effect you.
Things that change my life forever don’t make the news and it seems strange when you’re grieving or celebrating that the world hasn’t stopped with you.
So I feel more than a little guilty that while thousands are having their lives altered permanently I’m worried that I might forget to buy milk.
I have days where I kind of make a choice that I just can’t worry about (insert issue here) today.
But then I also know that if we all didn’t care then nothing would ever change and nobody would get the help, love, support and money that they need.
So maybe we need to think small and big, local and global. And just do our best each day and hope that when it’s our turn for a disaster to hit that others will take the time to care for us too.
Do you know the children’s rhyme The Grand Old Duke of York?
Oh the Grand Old Duke of York he had 10,000 men,
He marched them up to the top of the hill and then he marched them down again,
And when he was up he was up,
And when he was down he was down,
And when he was only half way up he was neither up or down.
I have recently been introduced to the idea that maybe I see things in extreme.
I seem to be fixated on the up or the down not the half way.
All or nothing.
For or against.
Lost or found.
Happy or sad.
I’m sure that most of the time most of us are somewhere in between. Just being, doing, living and breathing.
I need to find a happy medium or a middle ground. A place to be content and peaceful.
Or I need to keep busy and let that place come to me. That place where I’m neither up or down.