All you need is love…

So my birthday was this week and now I’m officially older. Well another year older. Obviously I’m even older now than my birthday a few days ago. And now and yeah… you get it.

Anyway I know that birthdays are a time of love sharing etc but this year it meant a lot.

The Facebook messages, texts, phone calls, cards and gifts. I had beautiful friends telling me that they love me all day long.

How can you not appreciate that?

It’s strange because I know it’s easy to say words but sometimes it’s hard to believe them or accept them or understand that it’s a true sentiment coming from real friends.

So many people love me. And maybe because I say it so often to my friends they feel comfortable saying it back to me but wowsers if all you need is love then I am set.

I am loved. People love me. *Please note that I am writing this as a reminder to me.*

I’m going through another rough patch. I’m a little bit broken again. And no, gaff tape doesn’t fix everything.

It turns out that these feelings and behaviors may not be as short lived as I had hoped.

But I’m loved. And not by a big bunch of nobodies either. I’m loved by people who mean the world to me.

So I think it’s all going to be okay.

But feel free to insert giant hugs here.

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Not hungry, sleeping.

I’ve had a rough couple of days.

I seem to have lost my appetite. With the exception of my Bircher muesli for breakfast I just don’t want to eat.

Which is making me tired. Or maybe the tired is taking away my appetite. Not sure.

I forced myself to walk around a market today. In the beautiful sunshine. I really wanted to want a donut but I didn’t.

I bought sushi for my family and then left it somewhere. Maybe in the bookshop. I’m so stupid.

The market was lovely. I bought 4 books and 2 jackets all for the bargain price of $30.

It was sunshiney and the hipsters were out in force. But they didn’t faze me with their beards and their big glasses and their floral headbands. *Please note the bearded ones weren’t wearing the headbands but I wouldn’t put it past them with their flippant disregard of irony.*

I know that exercise is the best thing when I’m feeling like this. Endorphins and vitamin D and fresh air and all that. It all seems a bit hard though. Finding my sports bra and managing to do it up properly seems like it should be an extreme sport.

Being in bed is easy. Sleeping is not but lying still and quiet and trying not to cry keeps me busy.

Anyways up and at em eh? There’s cake to be baked, children to be tickled and coffee to be inhaled.

My heart is stretching…

Sometimes you do a 4 year University degree and a bit of Post Graduate study, work in your chosen field for a few years and then you have a week that makes you realise that you are completely out of your depth.

I have had my heart broken this week. One of the boys in my class’ mother died on the weekend. He is 4. She was 43. She had an asthma attack on Wednesday and passed away of a heart attack on the weekend.

This is terribly sad and awful and I just want to hug this beautiful boy and make it all better.

But I can’t.

His dad is grieving and is obviously lost and broken and hasn’t told his son yet that his mother has passed away.

He came and spoke to me today and told me that he knows I’m busy and doesn’t want to bother me.

Several times today this little boy came and curled up on my lap and snuggled into me. When he said he was hungry we had snack. When he wanted to go out and play we did. But when he asked for his mum all I could do was hug him.

Another boy in the class today turned 4. He lives with his mum and grandma. His mum went out on Sunday for an hour and hadn’t made contact with her kids or their grandmother since then.

Grandma then came to pick him up early today as mum had reappeared in a drug induced state not suitable for parenting.

These kids need love. All kids do. And stability. And someone who keeps them busy and makes them happy.

At Uni they failed to mention that these kids get in your heart and you worry about them in the night.

My 4 year old son just came running up to me in his pjs and told me that he loves me all the way to the street and the mountain and the whole world. He was stalling as he didn’t want to go to bed. He can stall all he likes tonight.

I’ll be in my room with a cup of herbal tea counting my blessings.

Hovering over me…

You know those parents who do everything to stop their children from ever getting hurt?

I mean emotionally.

Never get to fail. Never left out. Everyone gets a prize?

I think I might be doing that to myself.

I am in the ultimate self protection mode. Wrap me up in a mattress so that nothing can hurt me.

My husband and I have started a bit of healthier eating this week. We’re supposed to exercise too but because this is my first proper week back at work and I’m exhausted I’m not pushing myself.

This may sound like common sense.

But yesterday at work a colleague yelled at me. Unfortunately for her every second word was cut off by a jack hammer right outside my window.

The ground was shaking and she was yelling and I was shaking my head and saying I can’t hear you.

And then I knew I was going to cry so I walked out, unlatched the 2 gates and had a cry on the street and then checked my Instagram and a couple of things on eBay and went back in.

We didn’t speak of it again. Worked closely together for the rest of the afternoon. She said some mean things (I think) but rather than answer her I left and cried.

I’m so unconfrontational at the moment that I would let my shadow bully me into a dark corner. (Yep. Try and work that one out.)

I am in self protect mode. Bubble wrapped. I’m so scared of getting hurt. Feeling tired. Breaking. Losing my spirit.

I’m still going out a lot and having people over because if I stay on my own I just sleep.

In my last post I said that I was waiting for life to start up again and now that it is I’m worried that I won’t be able to cope with it.

Maybe this is the new normal.

Maybe I need to drink some concrete.

Maybe I’m worth protecting.

40 Ways to Practice Self-Kindness

Kindness Blog

selflove

40 Ways to Practice Self-Kindness

by Mike O’Connor

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.” ― Steve Maraboli

As we all know modern life can be very stressful. With so many demands on our time, through juggling family, work and friends, it can be a little difficult to give ourselves the attention that we really need and deserve.

Here we share forty pointers to YOU caring for YOU…

  1. Stretching – Treat yourself to a really good stretch before getting out of bed in the morning – It gets the blood moving, it helps to fire up our sleepy brains & it also gives us a few moments to connect with our body before the day starts.
  2. Drink plenty of water – This is simple, but it’s so good for you. Being dehydrated makes everything harder. H2O is pure liquid WIN!
  3. Regularly breathe deeply –…

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