Hovering over me…

You know those parents who do everything to stop their children from ever getting hurt?

I mean emotionally.

Never get to fail. Never left out. Everyone gets a prize?

I think I might be doing that to myself.

I am in the ultimate self protection mode. Wrap me up in a mattress so that nothing can hurt me.

My husband and I have started a bit of healthier eating this week. We’re supposed to exercise too but because this is my first proper week back at work and I’m exhausted I’m not pushing myself.

This may sound like common sense.

But yesterday at work a colleague yelled at me. Unfortunately for her every second word was cut off by a jack hammer right outside my window.

The ground was shaking and she was yelling and I was shaking my head and saying I can’t hear you.

And then I knew I was going to cry so I walked out, unlatched the 2 gates and had a cry on the street and then checked my Instagram and a couple of things on eBay and went back in.

We didn’t speak of it again. Worked closely together for the rest of the afternoon. She said some mean things (I think) but rather than answer her I left and cried.

I’m so unconfrontational at the moment that I would let my shadow bully me into a dark corner. (Yep. Try and work that one out.)

I am in self protect mode. Bubble wrapped. I’m so scared of getting hurt. Feeling tired. Breaking. Losing my spirit.

I’m still going out a lot and having people over because if I stay on my own I just sleep.

In my last post I said that I was waiting for life to start up again and now that it is I’m worried that I won’t be able to cope with it.

Maybe this is the new normal.

Maybe I need to drink some concrete.

Maybe I’m worth protecting.

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