That’s so, like, 2014…

Well hello there!

The new year is a little over an hour away here and I’ve been busting my gut for something wise and inspirational to share with y’all.

But here’s what’s been going through my head.

– Being reminded to feel comfortable in my own skin but I assume that means I’m still allowed to feel much joy when I notice another lady on the beach with stretch marks on her tummy.

– What’s the difference between recognising that you need help and actually bloody asking for it when you know that you can’t or don’t want to be helped.

(Yes. Quite deep.)

– And also will we ever evolve to such a state that we will be able to urinate out of our elbows? Thus making long distance drives more comfortable although I fear the catch cry of “roll up your sleeves” may have a new meaning.

So that’s it.

That’s all I’ve got.

Thanks for listening and occasionally liking and commenting. You’re far too kind.

See you next year. xx

No longer at this address…

So did I tell you about that time last year when I was in a mental hospital and one of the nurses was the lady that we had bought our house from a year earlier.

Oh we had a lovely chat at the meds counter about how we’d done up the bathroom and put in a second toilet.

She asked where and I told her and she agreed that it was a brilliant idea.

She asked about the neighbours and the street and stuff and then she went back to work and I went back to being crazy.

I saw her again today crossing the street and I wanted to call out “Hey! Look at me. I’m still a bit crazy but I’m sort of okay too”.

But obviously I didn’t because, you know, I didn’t want to look weird.

It’s funny though because just thinking about it now I realise how often I smother how I really am and how I really feel so that I can discuss the mundane with the normal people.

I mean there I was asking for meds and pretending that I didn’t need to be there.

I spent my whole week in there pretending to be normal so they let me out early.

They probably shouldn’t have.

I’m not sure that I was ready.

I get confused so easily. I confuse myself. I question how I feel until I need sleep to stop the questions.

Today has been good. Yesterday was okay but the day before that hurt my head.

So anyway it’s funny how seeing one person can drag up memories and questions.

When all I really should have told her was that she still gets mail delivered here even though we’ve told them of her new address.

Sometimes our mail takes longer to move on than we do.

Put me in a box…

*Terrible analogy alert*

If you were a cardboard box what would it say?

(Feel free to abandon me after that very weak start.)

This side up?

Heavy?

Fragile?

Handle with care?

Pots and pans?

I think mine might say all of those things.

I am fragile.

I’m often on the verge of breaking. If I were to continue this box analogy then I would say that I’ve been wrapping myself up tightly with too much tape.

Trying to hold lots of stuff in.

This way up. Which way up? How do I get back up again?

Heavy! Heavy heart sometimes. Other times just a general heaviness that leaves me exhausted.

Handle with care. Hell yeah. That would be very wise advice. It probably has a double meaning too.

Handle me cautiously. Be kind. Take care of me.

Also be careful for your own safety because I’m sometimes unstable. Not as solid as I should be. Sometimes wobbly.

If I was a box though right now I wouldn’t be going anywhere.

I’m stuck in a corner being ignored waiting for a more convenient time to unpack.

Or maybe I am lost somewhere having been delivered to the wrong place in error.

Or am I circling around a conveyor belt at an airport with my contents spilling out for all to see making it difficult to gather me up.

Or maybe I was mistakenly put in the Pots and Pans box as an after thought.

Lost right where I’m supposed to be.

x

A problem not shared…

If you have a problem that you feel can’t be fixed by others is there any point in sharing?

If I’m not well am I better off just going to the doctor and getting tests done or should I tell you too?

If I’m not happy but you’re not here to help does telling you make you feel bad?

If you’re telling the same old story to the same patient people should you just give it (and them) a break?

I’m not trying to be a martyr here.

But I just don’t know if I should bother anymore.

If you ask the right questions I’ll give you the right answers but if you can’t help (not that you don’t want to) am I better off just coping quietly?

I’m tired. You’re tired. We’re all tired.

We know that everyone is fighting their own battles so if I ask you for help am I disrespecting your battles?

I don’t want to do that.

I want you to be honest with me and tell me stuff and some of you know how to ask the right questions for me to open up too. (And I thank you from the bottom of my heart.)

But for now I’m going to go and tell all of my troubles to a box of chocolates… they fix everything.

Not my loss…

I’ve found myself crying a little bit lately.

Crying for people who’ve passed away.

Not always people I know.

Cricketers taken too soon.

What is too soon?

Fathers passing away after years of struggle and pain leaving behind 3 beautiful young grand children who will never remember their Poppy.

I feel guilty crying about people who aren’t mine to grieve over.

I mainly avoid funerals for this reason. I put myself in their families shoes and get bogged down in tears.

I don’t want to again be that person crying tears at a funeral for someone’s grandma that I’d never even met.

It’s an emotional release that I feel is inappropriate.

But where does the mourning stop and the compassion towards the loved ones left behind begin?

I spoke at my Granny’s funeral as I held her only great grand child in my arms with tears streaming down my face.

I spoke at my Grandpa’s funeral in between silent sobs.

But these were my people to grieve. They were mine to cry for.

So maybe I’m just a bit of an emotional person whose left the empathy valve open too long.

Maybe I cry at the wrong times.

And maybe sometimes I need to realise that I can’t fix everyone’s lives and I should stop thinking that I can… And just love them.