There is a radio program that I listen to regularly. On Friday afternoons at around 5:10 they have a segment called “Changing Tracks”.
People write in and share a story about a song that meant something to them when their life changed.
They are often poignant.
(Love that word.)
One that has stuck in my mind for sometime was a man who wrote in about his daughter who fell down a cliff accidentally when she was a teenager.
And some time later after stressed relations with his family his son played him “Sweet Child O mine” and he let everything out.
I’ve thought for ages about what I would write but decided that there wasn’t anything that had happened to me.
No major change.
But today I started thinking about the song that I played on repeat just before and after I was diagnosed with depression.
At a time when all was dark and I had more thoughts about dying than living I listened to a song by Mark Wilkinson called Middle Ground.
The line “just hold on for one more year then maybe these skies will start to clear” spoke to me.
And because it spoke to me I listened to it even though I couldn’t speak back.
A week ago I listened to Ave Maria and cried or tried to cry.
(The meds seem to stop the tears. Which I guess is kind of the point.)
Ave Maria and the beauty of that song made me feel so low but it felt good too.
I’ve been writing about music a lot lately. One could almost be mistaken for thinking that I know something about it. I don’t. But sometimes it moves me.
But back to my Changing Track.
It would probably go something a little like this…
In August of 2013 I was a wife, a mother of 2 young boys, a daughter to parents who split up a couple of years before and a pre-school teacher.
I was trying to make everybody happy and avoid conflict. I was resolving issues in my head that would never occur in real life and I was exhausted.
And then it all got too much and apparently I was depressed.
That diagnosis still doesn’t sit right with me because it can’t just be that or I should have been stronger than that or I should be struggling more now.
But I remember listening to this song on my iPod after I’d been admitted to the mental health ward.
A place where I was surrounded by like minded people and not necessarily in a good way.
Sleeping in a room with no sharp corners and a bathroom with no shower rail.
I have no idea why this song helped but while I was listening to it I felt like I had some hope.
That I could change and that if I kept holding on that better days would come.
And I guess the thing that I still don’t understand is if it’s all in my head.
If I made it up for attention and milk it for what it’s worth because I was never really that sick.
Or perhaps I’m just so good at hiding it and acting out my “she’ll be right mate” script that I fool myself.
Said the girl who now feels scared when she’s sad.