I’ve gone a bit strange lately.
Well just this week.
I seem to be even weirder than usual and it’s making me nervous.
I shouldn’t be allowed around people.
I say inappropriate things.
I’m feeling a little bit like a loser and that perhaps I’m not worthy to breathe the same air as you.
I’m trying so hard to be normal like the rest of you and it’s not working.
How the heck do you do it?
How do you not say stupid things all the time?
How do you not spend your days wondering what’s wrong with you?
Having said that it’s not always my fault.
Just this morning in fact I was wearing my underwear and lovely little black slip thingy and applying make up to my face when my son fell over outside and started screaming.
He had grazed his leg and required immediate attention and needed to be carried inside.
I did this quickly as the very devout man who lives a few doors down was watching the spectacle of me carrying the child while wearing underwear.
As a result of this morning chaos it was only as I was sitting in assembly talking to a 4 year old girl that I found I out I had not rubbed the make up in properly.
I feel a bit like I’m failing at something.
I’m not getting something right.
I should be muzzled like a dog that can’t be trusted not to attack.
I feel a bit dumb too. Like I’m ruining things and making a fool out of myself without even trying.
The obvious solution is to hide away in bed and read.
Cry a little bit despondently about my plight. (Great word plight.)
But maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe I’m not destroying the world and maybe I’m just a quirky kinda gal.
I don’t know.
I did just read a nice quote in my book though by Melody Beattie.
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarify. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.”
So instead of wallowing in despair at all the silly things I’ve said and done recently I’m choosing to be eternally grateful to all those who put up with me.
Maybe I I’ll grow up and change.
It’s unlikely though. xx