Holiday, it would be so nice…

I’m in the second week of the school holidays and I’ve hardly thought about work at all.

I’ve also felt calmer and more able to adapt to life and it’s adventures.

(Didn’t plan on spending two nights this week adapting to being a cleaner of vomit and nurse to my sons but adapt I have.)

I am not adaptable generally though.

Throughout my teen years I worried so much about things that didn’t happen.

Would stress myself silly worrying about getting somewhere on time.

Once I’d passed my drivers license I worried constantly about where to park when I was going somewhere and if I would get lost.

(I always got lost and I usually managed to get a car park.)

I worried about things that nobody else had thought of and then worried about why I was worried and why they weren’t.

I stressed myself into hospital at 19 with a weird spasmodic twitching issue. Brain scans, lumber punctures and all the rest came back normal so it was put down as stress.

This first started as I was preparing to quit my first job.

I didn’t want to let anyone down.

I worked one day a week in a bakery and they’ve managed to continue to trade until this day despite my absence.

I am not responsible for the universe turning despite what I seem to think.

I had a session with my psychologist recently and he suggested that I’m loathe to let anyone down or say no to calls for help but that I also loathe myself.

I didn’t disagree with that.

I don’t really like me all that much.

I think I could be better and do more.

I obviously think well enough of myself to think I’m the only one who can fix problems but I hate the way I feel afterwards.

It’s a lovely little spiral that hasn’t been so bad without work putting its 2 cents in for the past two weeks and I’ve also had my husband around to buy bananas on his way home from work and get the boys to bed.

So I’m in a lull. Holiday mode. Cruise control on, good music on the radio and a decent coffee in the cup holder. So to speak.

Enjoying it while it lasts. xx

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