I’m still here.

People say that you should cut negative people out of your life.

So what happens to all the negative people?

Or the people who are just hard work because they require a bit of extra love sometimes?

Everyone needs someone.

I need someone sometimes.

I’ve been on antidepressants for a couple of years now.

Sometimes I have bad days and don’t know if it’s me or the meds.

I don’t know if worry is anxiety wearing a disguise and sadness is depression hiding under the bed.

Sometimes it’s the same with good days.

I haven’t been writing as often as I used to. I get a bit scared that I’ll say the wrong thing and offend someone or that I’ll upset someone.

It’s strange that when I write here I use my filters. In real life I have no filters.

I spew rubbish out of my mouth and then stew about what I said for days.

I’m strange like that but…

The sun has come out more lately and the fresh air and vitamin D seem to make life nicer.

The washing is drying on the line instead of inside which brings me so much joy that I’m sure my meds are working.

I’ve made enough bolognese sauce to last for 4 dinners today so that part of my brain that worries about dinner is on a break.

So in short I’m good. I hope you are too but I’m here for you if you need someone.

xx

P.S I “borrowed” that pic from Instagram.

#shyfail…

I don’t know if I’ve told you this before but I often (and I mean daily) have the urge to retweet traffic information that is not relevant to me or anyone I know.

Just the thought of it makes me laugh. Like I’m a cutting edge ironic tweeter of things that are irrelevant.

This is the way my brain works.

It’s not always normal.

Although according to some of the people I’ve met while I was a patient at a Mental Health Hospital, normal is just a cycle on the washing machine.

Today I attended a professional development session on mathematics in preschools.

I won snakes and ladders and the chocolate muffins were the most amazing things ever. They had heaps of chocolate in them and cut up chocolate brownie on top.

Anyway I thought that today I might have a go at being shy.

By the end of the course I was apologising to everyone about talking so much and making it all about me.

#shyfail

Give me a silence and I will fill it. In fact I will fill it for so long it will go into the next silence, which is soooooo much more awkward than the first one.

I have the strongest urge to make other people feel comfortable. To make them feel better.

But as I’ve said before lately I end up feeling like a fool after putting myself out there and saying too much.

So it’s just a little bit easier to stay away from people for my own sake.

I need to work out who I am and how to stop being so much of that person all the time because it’s exhausting.

I’m so tired when I get home from a day of being happy around 4 year olds and being calm when I sometimes just really want to scream.

I’m tired of my colleagues not reading my mind. How dare they?

I’ve got a history of burning out in Term 4. Sometime around late October and early November the house of cards doesn’t just fall down it goes down in flames with me making ridiculous small talk to the fireman as he saves me from the burning deck.

But… I only work 3 days so it’s now officially my weekend.

And I can hide and sleep. Which is kind of like hide and seek except that I get really annoyed when people wake me up.

Good night. xx

Limbo(ed)…

Last night I dreamt that I was riding my brothers yellow motor bike without a license and with no idea of how to ride a motor bike.

Please note my brother doesn’t own a yellow motor bike.

I didn’t have a bike helmet so I wore a shower cap instead.

Please note that a shower cap is a poor choice of safety head wear.

I accidentally left the motor bike on a bus and was quite upset in the dream because my brother would be angry with me.

Please note if that had happened he would have been within his rights to be angry. And who takes a motor bike on a bus anyway?

On the bus I was sitting next to one of the main female characters from Game of Thrones who in real life was a man and an identical twin.

Please note that I have never seen an episode of Game of Thrones because I’m a little bit scared of the violence and probably the nudity too.

My dream made no sense on so many levels.

But my real life doesn’t always make much more sense.

I seemed to lose hours of my day today as the kids played on iPads and I had nothing to do.

I read so many online articles that I went from stupid to wise and back again.

I have such vivid dreams that they freak me out.

Maybe it’s the meds. It must be the meds. Because they’re so real.

I would love someone to interpret them and to reassure me that I’m normal.

Well not necessarily normal but more like others than I feel sometimes.

I’m neither lost not found at the moment, just in limbo.

Like a ridiculously uncoordinated person stuck under a limbo stick with some sort of back condition.

Well there we have yet another disjointed post that goes nowhere.

You’re welcome.

xx

Life’s not fair…

I spent some time yesterday with my 98 year old great aunt.

I was my usual inappropriate self and stole one of her chocolates that she’d won at Bingo and then reprimanded her for gambling.

I also held her hand and stroked it and talked with her about her daughter who had passed away the day before.

My great aunt is my late Granny’s sister.

We talked about all sorts of things and had a little cry too.

Life isn’t fair. I don’t think that being 98 and living in a nursing home and burying your only daughter is fair.

But that’s how it goes sometimes.

You could make a list of all the things that aren’t fair.

I think we all spend some time on the list during our lives.

Some stay on the list longer than others.

(Some think they are on the list but they are possibly lacking a little perspective about others.)

We all have moments where things aren’t fair and can’t be fixed in the short term.

I have friends that I wish I could wave a magic wand for and help them. Help pull them out from deep, dark black holes and shower them in some sunshine.

Let them know that sooner or maybe much, much later that things can get better.

But life isn’t fair.

And I have two beautiful friends/second cousins who lost the most amazing mother on Friday.

She has left a hole in their hearts that will never ever mend.

She was an elegant and proper lady from another generation.

But I will picture her most on her daughters blue couch knitting something.

She was wise in a way that I’m smart enough not to even contemplate emulating.

She was brave and sweet.

She sent me a message on Wednesday saying that she loved me.

And on Friday she got up out of her hospital bed, had a shower and went back to bed for a rest.

She’s not in pain anymore.

So that’s fair. But life isn’t.

xx

Quality alone time…

Today I went to the trouble of googling “nunnery and single origin”.

After quickly browsing the suggestions from her Royal Googleness I can confirm that there doesn’t seem to be a convent anywhere that I can join while still being guaranteed good coffee.

Same goes for Netflix.

I have found myself yearning for solitude. Deeply desiring some serious alone time.

Of course I love my family… but I would like the opportunity to love them from a distance.

My husbands work travel starts up again next week with interstate travel booked for the next 4 weeks at least.

Today I wanted to hide in bed and read my book and listen quietly to my thoughts. Instead I drove 2 hours to my nieces 5th birthday party.

Not quite what I had in mind.

I like the idea of joining a nunnery of running away from my many blessings and being in a quiet place.

But I don’t think it works like that.

It’s all the little things that unravel me.

It’s the sports day on Tuesday. The importance of emailing a scanned document that could only be collected during school hours ASAP so that my eldest can attend a maths day at another school on Wednesday.

It’s never knowing what to have for dinner.

One day a couple of weeks ago my son ran in front of a car in the beautiful city of Mont Marte. (Probably not how you spell it.) I was in a bit of shock afterwards and the headache I’d been nursing previously went up to 11.

My husband asked me what I wanted to do. I looked at him and said “Please look after me”.

My shock at the near miss and the emotions that came with it just drained me.

I get so sick of being the one making all the little decisions that make up the day. The thoughts that wake me up at night but keep my family fed and in clean clothes that fit.

I am not joining the nunnery today but I would really like a night to myself.

Preferably catered by someone else.

xo

Nearly there…

I had a near death experience today.

Okay. That’s a slight (possibly massive) exaggeration.

When I opened a cupboard in the laundry a hack saw thingy fell on my arm.

No arteries were severed.

A rather small bruise is the evidence that anything actually happened.

But what if the saw didn’t have the cover on?

What if it had landed on my neck and severed an artery?

I sometimes (often) choose the slightly dramatic train of thought.

I googled my sore hip recently and convinced myself that my left leg is shorter than my right and that was causing the pain.

It’s not. I’m just a hypercondriac sometimes.

So back to my near death experience.

It got me to thinking that we worry more about near death than we should.

Perhaps we should be more worried about near life experiences.

Spending Thursdays in bed sleeping is a near life experience.

Keeping quiet about how you’re feeling when you’re down because it’s easier to not bother anyone is a near life experience.

Watching others do things you want to do.

Others trying new things and chasing new dreams.

They’re near life experiences.

What are your near life experiences?

Do they involve hack saws falling from the sky or are they more personal than that.

They should be easy I reckon.

Things you want to do but don’t because you’re too busy, tired, scared, lonely etc.

A movie on your own because you want to escape?

A second coffee because you want to?

Yes when you should say no?

It all keeps going and we keep going with it.

I’m going to try and have more near life experiences and do a little less hiding.

x

Like?

Are you good enough?

For yourself?

Or do you judge yourself too harshly?

It’s so much easier to be kind to others than to ourselves.

Self loathing can take a lot of energy can’t it?

We get so good at comparing ourselves to others that we forget to be proud of who we are.

Most of us do good things.

Most of us try to be kind.

Most of us are probably better than we think we are.

And sometimes we make mistakes and that’s okay too.

We’re too hard on us. We are all doing our best most of the time. We don’t think it’s good enough though.

I have so many friends that I want to help. People who need money. People who need love. People who just need to know how wonderful they are.

I wish I could help more.

I wish that I could like me more.

So in the mean time I’m going to like you and you’re going to like me and we’ll practice liking ourselves too.

xxoo