I wasn’t expecting that..

Me to my kids: We’re having fish and chips for dinner tonight.
My youngest (7): I don’t like fish and chips can I have frozen peas instead?

Surely all kids should like hot chips right? Isn’t that a rule? Unless they have a severe potato allergy and even then they would still want to have chips if they could wouldn’t they?

Life is strange isn’t it?

There’s never quite the right answer for it.

It’s unpredictable in both good and bad ways.

My very dear friends cat died recently. On the back of another of her cats dying not that long ago. Both sad accidents. That doesn’t seem to be fair. That’s not okay.

Life sometimes just sucks and it’s nobody’s fault. Or there’s nobody to blame which is probably worse.

My sister in law’s mum has cancer. She’s having chemo and has a fancy new wig. Her husband died after suffering from Parkinson’s disease for a decade and now she’s sick too.

That’s not fair.

But then there’s random good things too aren’t there?

Silly laughs with a friend.

Good coffee.

The perfect sugar-free slice of cheesecake.

Hot porridge in bed with a new book.

Clean sheets and towels.

YouTube clips of kids falling off slides.

Funny unexpected gifts in the mail.

Kindness in all its forms.

Microwave popcorn and a Disney movie.

There’s so much heavy sadness out there and sometimes in here too.

The not fair-ed-ness of life sometimes confounds me and leaves me at a loss for the right words to say.

The good moments that pop up in the midst of tragedy make it more bearable.

The strangeness of a kid not liking hot chips makes me laugh.

Life is complicated and it’s interesting isn’t it? It can all change in a second or you can be stuck in a rut for years.

I like to ramble a lot about nothing and post it online to remind myself when I look back that things change and that it usually works out okay.

xx

Like?

Are you good enough?

For yourself?

Or do you judge yourself too harshly?

It’s so much easier to be kind to others than to ourselves.

Self loathing can take a lot of energy can’t it?

We get so good at comparing ourselves to others that we forget to be proud of who we are.

Most of us do good things.

Most of us try to be kind.

Most of us are probably better than we think we are.

And sometimes we make mistakes and that’s okay too.

We’re too hard on us. We are all doing our best most of the time. We don’t think it’s good enough though.

I have so many friends that I want to help. People who need money. People who need love. People who just need to know how wonderful they are.

I wish I could help more.

I wish that I could like me more.

So in the mean time I’m going to like you and you’re going to like me and we’ll practice liking ourselves too.

xxoo

Anyone for a play date?

It’s week 4 of my summer holidays.

That statement makes me sound like a lazy slacker but I’m not, I promise.

Don’t tell anyone this but I’m missing my routine.

And by missing my routine I may mean that I’m sick of being around my children all the time.

They whinge a lot. Well not a lot but I feel like I’m adjudicating the last play fight on earth sometimes.

There are tears over ridiculous things and they’re not mine for a change.

I haven’t had many people want to include me in things either. I’m feeling a little bit stir crazy.

When did my friends stop being my friends?

Since when do I receive so few messages?

Why do people change?

When did all our lives get so big and full of other stuff that we don’t have as much time for others.

I want to be invited to the movies.

I want to be invited out for coffee.

I want someone to make me a cheesecake.

No really. I want cheesecake.

And yeah, yeah, I know it’s up to me to be proactive and go chase my friends down but why should it always be me.

Maybe it’s time I embrace the school mums. Learn their kids names. Learn their names.

How else do you make friends when you’re 36?

Anyone got a book club I can join? Not one of those intellectual ones though just trashy romance novels?

When I lived in Denmark the family I lived with took out an ad for friends for me. I was 19 and they had lots of responses. Not many of them were suitable for a good Christian girl like me though ;-).

I wouldn’t mind going back to study some more. Use the old brain. Talk to others also using their brains.

Or maybe I should do what a friend is doing and start a creative project just for fun.

But I want to include other people. I want them to include me.

Goodness me. Don’t I sound needy?

Or as I said at the start of this post maybe I just need to be back in my routine.

Back to whinging about how tired I am and how I don’t have enough time for me.

Holidays eh?

xx

Joining the sisterhood…

Right. Well. I swear I can’t remember what I’ve written about and I’m too lazy to look back but I want to write about my sisters.

All of them. And how much I love them.

Technically in real life I am the eldest of 2 children. My brother is 2.5 years younger than me.

We were close growing up but now we’re not and I hate that with all the hates. But I don’t think about it or I get sad.

(As I was typing sad I accidentally typed Sade which is kind of funny. I don’t Sade.)

Anyway. Sisters. I have 2 sister in laws who are beautiful but they also have amazing relationships with their younger sisters and we don’t have a close bond.

Earlier this year my mum remarried so now I also have a 55 year old step sister who has 3 grown children and 2 grandsons.

My step sister lives a 4 hour flight away and is busy with her own life but she’s lovely. Well she seems to be from the 2 times I’ve spent time with her.

But now here I am. All busy with life and stuff and yet I seem to be collecting wonderful sisters.

One of the mums at my work who makes the sweetest Turkish coffee called me her sister this week and it was the highlight of a crappy week. This gorgeous woman also had a cholesterol test on Thursday and her levels came back really good so she celebrated by buying me chocolate so we could celebrate together.

One of my delightful sisters posted me a card this week saying that she is thinking of me. I read it to myself today in her Irish accent. She took time out of her busy life raising 3 energetic boys to send me a card. For no reason. Other than that she cares. And man doesn’t that just mean the most ever.

One of my sisters I’ve known since High School but it’s only been the last year or so that we’ve begun messaging each other every day. She tells me she thinks that I’m strong and praises me for coping when my husband is away so much. But she has issues that are so big and wide that I don’t know where they start and where they end and her resilience and honesty blows my mind. We share truths with each other and support each other.

My sisters are strong women who have gone through plenty and been tested physically and mentally but still give all that they have to make the world better for their families and their communities.

They think of others. They’re selfless. They’ve got my back and I’ve got theirs.

Sisters might be doing it for themselves but they’re also doing it for me and I’m doing it for them too.

xx

Friends who care…

The universe has totally had my back this week.

It has been one of those weeks where I’ve been woken up early, around 5, each morning this week by my 2 lovely boys.

Lucky me.

Sleep what is it good for? Well not absolutely nothing.

But this week has bordered on crappy.

Get up early. Drop kids off at school at 7. Go to work with all the challenges that come from kids and working with women and then pick up the kids after school. Dinner, bath and then bed for everyone.

Not a lot of time for mindfulness. *What wankery* New word. Go with me here.

But then this week I’ve been drowned in gifts of kindness and love.

I’ve received 3 lots of baklava, 4 lots of chocolate, salad and cannelloni and an adult coloring book.

That is to say a colouring book for adults not colouring in porn. Although that would be okay too I guess.

And a bunch of roses sent to work from my husband overseas.

So much kindness and thoughtfulness on top of messages and conversations online.

People are good and awesome.

Be kind to others and it comes back a zillion fold when you need it most.

So thanks universe, I’ll be paying it forward. xx

Alonely…

I seem to have gotten lonely again.

I’m desperately waving my little flag and asking for help, for friends.

I seem to have lost my friends.

Did we suddenly all get too busy with kids and life to spend time with each other?

Or do we live too far from those who would drop everything if they were closer?

My husband went away this morning and will be away 5 nights this week, 6 nights next week and similar again for the 3 weeks after that.

I know my head and I know that I need some form of adult conversation to keep me sane between working with small children and looking after 2 young boys at home.

I know that I need to ask for help.

But I don’t know who to ask.

I don’t have any family support nearby and everyone else is busy with their own lives and their own children and their own problems.

We live in a wonderful world where I can message my mum the footy scores as she floats down a river in Germany and it doesn’t cost a thing.

Where I can log onto social media and follow the lives of people I haven’t spoken to in years.

But all I want is for someone to call me, talk to me, ask me for coffee and remind me that I’m part of the adult world.

So if you get the chance over the next few weeks… please do that.

xx

Whatever you are…

If you can’t be the best then be the best you can be.

Or something like that.

I’m not the best at anything.

I’m competent at half a dozen things.

I can bluff my way through a few more but I’m not the best.

I want to be more.

You know that morose feeling you get when you try something and then you wonder why bother. Someone else has already done this or is currently doing this better than me.

Or worse there is someone out there doing something crazily original and outstanding that I couldn’t think of if my life depended on it.

I want to be creative and make a difference and save the world and be the next Mother Teresa.

Or not. But you know what I mean.

There are some seriously inspiring and brilliant people out there and I’m not one of them.

I have gotten to the stage where I am actually good and not being good at things.

Obviously not make sense is something I excel at.

Reversing into my driveway… so good at being bad at that.

But in reality I am good at being me.

Not perfect at anything but trying as hard as I can… when I have the energy.

I am the only mother my boys have, the only wife that my husband has (hopefully… he does travel a lot), the only daughter my parents have and the only sister my brother has.

These are the roles that only I fulfill so I guess by default I’m the best at them.

I’m also a good friend to a handful of people that I couldn’t live without and care for me so beautifully that I don’t have the words to thank them. x

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