Quietly confident…

I have a just had a really lovely weekend.

I did things I’ve never done and went places I’ve never been before.

I did these things without stressing myself out of going… okay there were some concerns about how to get there and where to park and what to wear and what to pack and if I needed a jacket and if my lipstick was too red.

Saturday afternoon I went on a photo walk with strangers and I was happy, chatty, (possibly slightly silly) me.

I was confident in myself in the company of people with far superior skills to me.

I was happy to be me.

Then I surprised my husband with dinner and a show at a comedy venue.

The food was very basic, the comedians were late coming on and not entirely hilarious but we had a nice night out together doing something different.

Sunday morning we woke up late and without a harsh word spoken (have you tried to get two boys dressed lately?) got the family ready and drove to an adventure park.

I resolutely decided not to pack my swimwear as it was too cold to swim but ended up buying some shorts and going down water slides in a white singlet top.

(Yep. You’re welcome.)

I am able to do more and be more right now. I’m not worried about the small things or the big things either.

She’ll be right mate.

It’s all good.

Bring it on.

So much younger than today…

A little boy in one of my classes yesterday started several stories with “when I was young”.

He is 4.

This makes me smile so hard.

The stories he tells of his youth.

The things he used to do before he became a big boy.

Anyway just a brief reminder to all that we are privileged enough to be getting older all the time.

And further away from our youth.

And old enough to remember when we were young.

xx

One of the better ones…

As a serial whinger of bad days I should probably also take time to document the good ones.

Yesterday was one of the better days that I’ve had in a while.

Woke up on the right side of the universe.

Enjoyed my porridge with summer berries in bed with my book.

And a coffee. And then another coffee because I think the machine is still running a bit too fast.

But I digress.

I went food shopping with the kids and nobody died.

The 5 year old nearly ran into a little old lady using a walking stick in the baking aisle but other than that it was good.

We made it home and I got to watch some cricket on the telle while eating the very last mince tart of the season.

I made a huge batch of bolognese sauce in the slow cooker and then ended up freezing it in batches because the family all went bowling.

We had fun.

I had fun.

I kept bowling to the left though. Not sure what that’s about.

It was a good day.

(And that was without me even mentioning that I bought 2 large tins of chocolates for $8.)

I’m not sure what made it such an okay day. I wish I did so that I could replicate it.

But thank heavens for small mercies or something like that.

A good day amidst a sea of blue leaves me looking on the bright side.

x

My version of normal…

Had quite a crap day today but I’m okay. I’m happy. I’m breathing in deep and exhaling all slow and with a weird reggae rhythmic motion.

I am channeling all the Marley’s and swinging my dread locks to the beat in my head.

I have been busy for 12 solid hours now. This is the first time I’ve stopped all day. I’m exhausted. But some people work much longer hours than me and probably feel this tiredness in their bones on a regular basis.

I like to have rests. And coffees without being interrupted and breakfast while it’s hot.

I would like to be able to go to the toilet at home and/or at work without a small child calling out my name in a shrill and whinging manner.

I’m hiding in the spare room. After carefully folding, sorting and putting away the washing so that I could move the clothes horse and sit down on the couch in comfort.

I’m hiding from my busy day. My brain is fried. I just realised I forgot to call someone back and I didn’t RSVP to the 5th birthday party this Sunday.

But I’m happy and good and grumpy and almost pimple free.

I’m sleeping on the couch again tonight because it’s better than lying (muttering bad thoughts under my breath) next to my husband with his horrid cough and chest infection.

I am not sick. I am not sad. I am not sure where I left my other pink jumper. I sometimes wear gumboots when it’s not raining and I sometimes have licorice for lunch.

There is no normal or usual. There is just today and the version that I lived. Tomorrow will be different. It may seem longer or shorter as different things will make me laugh.

But I laugh a lot. So that’s good.

Feeling bubbly…

So it’s that time of year again. Or is it that time of years?

Plenty of people will be partaking in some bubbly tonight. Seeing in the New Year with fizz and bubbles tickling their taste buds and noses.

I will see in the New Year in my own bubble. I’ve been stuck (albeit pleasantly) in my own bubble floating around for the past month or so.

I am breathing deeper.

Things are a little fuzzy in a nice way. I know that I’m feeling happier but not quite sure if I trust it or how long it will last.

There are still big things that I would like to change but can’t. I’m mostly okay with that and am trying to enjoy while enduring the things that I just have to live with.

I’ve had a few days lately where I’ve just sat for extended periods of time in the company of friends. I know that I’m relaxed and comfortable but not sure that I’m expressing it right.

I went to a party for the first time in years. I wanted to be around people. Not just my people but other people’s people too. I was in good form. I snuggled up with a baby and transformed my ample bosom into a place of rest.

I have no idea how long this bubble will last. I don’t know if it’s the new me, the old me or the medication. Possibly a combination of all three.

But for now it’s all good.

No really, it is.

Eggshell heart…

I seem to be taking a lot of things personally at the moment.

If anyone says anything even remotely critical to me I feel like I’ve let them down. And let myself down. And let the universe down.

Have you noticed my tendency to overreact?

I have been feeling so good lately. Life’s gotten more manageable.

I’ve carved my life into bite size pieces and it’s like popcorn chicken for the soul.

I’ve managed without my afternoon nap for 3 days now which is a new record. I have maintained an almost steady level of cool, calm and collectedness.

I just can’t cope with people being unhappy with me.

I am working so damn hard at being happy with me that any cracks that I could usually smooth over now make me feel like I’m dancing the Zorba with tectonic plates.

Of course it is all in my head. People probably don’t even realise that I am taking their words/actions/non-actions to heart so much right now. It’s my fault not theirs.

It’s harder to be happy when you’re second guessing yourself off the metaphorical cliff.

Plato said “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”.

Be kind to yourself too.

xx

With friends like these… I’ll be okay.

Well would you look at that…

I just had the most delightful dinner with a friend that I haven’t seen for close to 5 years.

She is gorgeous this lady. Inside and out.

We chatted over the spinach lamb dish.

I walked her to the tram stop and we hugged.

We talked about lots of things. We seem to be feeling a lot of the same things. We share the same frustrations.

We also both know that we’re incredibly lucky to have what we have.

And what do we have?

We have healthy happy children who drive us mad with their idiosyncrasies and neediness but fill our hearts with love… usually when they’re asleep.

We have husbands who work hard and travel lots to provide for their families but are good at what they do and let us know that we’re loved.

We have dreams of more and desires to be better than just mothers and wives but we know that we’re doing okay.

So what do I know now that I didn’t know 3 hours ago?

I know that I’m okay. That I’m not alone. That friends are worth their weight in gold even if you have to get on a plane to see them. That people who are like you and listen to you and make you laugh are a gift to be treasured.

And whether its a friend from far away or a friend who brings you bolognese or a friend who laughs at you because you’re up late with your cat watching cricket, friends are precious.

I was asked today who my friends are and I said that I wasn’t sure anymore.

But they seem to know who I am and are doing a damn good job of looking after me and for that I’m thankful.