*Terrible analogy alert*
If you were a cardboard box what would it say?
(Feel free to abandon me after that very weak start.)
This side up?
Handle with care?
Pots and pans?
I think mine might say all of those things.
I am fragile.
I’m often on the verge of breaking. If I were to continue this box analogy then I would say that I’ve been wrapping myself up tightly with too much tape.
Trying to hold lots of stuff in.
This way up. Which way up? How do I get back up again?
Heavy! Heavy heart sometimes. Other times just a general heaviness that leaves me exhausted.
Handle with care. Hell yeah. That would be very wise advice. It probably has a double meaning too.
Handle me cautiously. Be kind. Take care of me.
Also be careful for your own safety because I’m sometimes unstable. Not as solid as I should be. Sometimes wobbly.
If I was a box though right now I wouldn’t be going anywhere.
I’m stuck in a corner being ignored waiting for a more convenient time to unpack.
Or maybe I am lost somewhere having been delivered to the wrong place in error.
Or am I circling around a conveyor belt at an airport with my contents spilling out for all to see making it difficult to gather me up.
Or maybe I was mistakenly put in the Pots and Pans box as an after thought.
Lost right where I’m supposed to be.
I got a little lost today and kept going.
I couldn’t find my way without help. I pulled over on the side of the road at least 3 times and consulted the GPS.
At one stage it told me to take a right down Stupid Street. I may have misheard it but it felt personal.
I wondered as I drove lost down leafy streets occasionally sighting the bay (before I roamed into an industrial area) if Forest Gump would have run for as long as he did if he’d known about little Forest.
Is it easier to get lost for longer without responsibilities or is it the responsibilities that make me feel lost?
(Did I just ask the same question 2 ways? Hmmm.)
If I was single and childless where would I be?
If I was free to choose what would I do?
I have this image of myself teaching children in a disadvantaged country and knowing that I am making a difference.
I have this thought that I could be more and do more.
I have married a man who loves me and am raising 2 unique and entertaining boys.
I have made plenty of good choices.
I am probably not as lost as I think I am but my sense of direction still needs work.
Maybe I just need to stop following the little blue dot on the map and settle with the red dot.
I might not be lost after all. I might just be growing up.
Do you know the children’s rhyme The Grand Old Duke of York?
Oh the Grand Old Duke of York he had 10,000 men,
He marched them up to the top of the hill and then he marched them down again,
And when he was up he was up,
And when he was down he was down,
And when he was only half way up he was neither up or down.
I have recently been introduced to the idea that maybe I see things in extreme.
I seem to be fixated on the up or the down not the half way.
All or nothing.
For or against.
Lost or found.
Happy or sad.
I’m sure that most of the time most of us are somewhere in between. Just being, doing, living and breathing.
I need to find a happy medium or a middle ground. A place to be content and peaceful.
Or I need to keep busy and let that place come to me. That place where I’m neither up or down.
Do you ever look at your life and wonder what makes you special? What makes you different? What sets you apart from the person next door? (Apart from having a different house number obviously.)
I can’t think of anything right now. I can’t pin point one specific thing that makes me unique.
Yeah I’m a mum and that’s a special thing but there are a lot of ladies with kids in the world. There are a lot of ladies without kids. I don’t want the fact that I’m a mum to define me for the rest of my life.
I don’t want to be just a wife either. I’m still me. Maybe less of me than I used to be though.
I’m also a teacher. A shop assistant. A drinker of coffee. A lover of baths. A football fan.
I lust after smooth cakes that melt on your tongue and make you feel full in an unpleasant way.
I want to own nice things.
I’d like to get lost… and not just in industrial estates like I usually do but really lost. Or just lost in a book.
I want to study life drawing. I want to enrol in the croquembouche class at the CAE.
I want to make a difference. I want to feel different. I want to know how to use the word differential properly in a sentence.
I think I went off topic somewhere.
Maybe I’m not different from you? Maybe we’re all different? Maybe that’s why we feel the same?
Maybe you don’t feel the same.
Maybe you are unique…
But I don’t think I am.
Recently I went on a course where the presenter was talking about kids and how we need to stop telling them that they can do anything they want and be the best at everything.
I am the proof.
I am sooooo not good at lots of things.
I am not good at grammar (shocking considering that I’m a teacher), following a map (I still get left and right confused sometimes) and anything to do with coordination. And I really mean that last one.
I look at the Olympics and think “Wow. How do they do that?” and I’m talking about the people getting into the umpires chairs and presenting the medals. I would have fallen over for sure.
On my first day of High School I fell down and then tripped up the stairs outside the Year 12 locker room.
And it was only in my second season of playing basketball that I actually touched the ball. It was late it the first season that I stopped running away from it with my hands protecting my head.
I know that I will not compete at an international level when it comes to grammar, directions or anything athletic.
I am okay with that because I am good at other things.
I asked my 4 year old son if there was anything that he’s not good at. He thought about it and said “water polo”. Which considering he can’t swim is a very accurate answer.
Maybe he will go on to star at water polo. Maybe he won’t. Maybe he will be an astronaut. Probably not.
Its okay to have dreams and to follow those dreams to the ends of the earth… providing you can read a map well enough to get you home again.