#shyfail…

I don’t know if I’ve told you this before but I often (and I mean daily) have the urge to retweet traffic information that is not relevant to me or anyone I know.

Just the thought of it makes me laugh. Like I’m a cutting edge ironic tweeter of things that are irrelevant.

This is the way my brain works.

It’s not always normal.

Although according to some of the people I’ve met while I was a patient at a Mental Health Hospital, normal is just a cycle on the washing machine.

Today I attended a professional development session on mathematics in preschools.

I won snakes and ladders and the chocolate muffins were the most amazing things ever. They had heaps of chocolate in them and cut up chocolate brownie on top.

Anyway I thought that today I might have a go at being shy.

By the end of the course I was apologising to everyone about talking so much and making it all about me.

#shyfail

Give me a silence and I will fill it. In fact I will fill it for so long it will go into the next silence, which is soooooo much more awkward than the first one.

I have the strongest urge to make other people feel comfortable. To make them feel better.

But as I’ve said before lately I end up feeling like a fool after putting myself out there and saying too much.

So it’s just a little bit easier to stay away from people for my own sake.

I need to work out who I am and how to stop being so much of that person all the time because it’s exhausting.

I’m so tired when I get home from a day of being happy around 4 year olds and being calm when I sometimes just really want to scream.

I’m tired of my colleagues not reading my mind. How dare they?

I’ve got a history of burning out in Term 4. Sometime around late October and early November the house of cards doesn’t just fall down it goes down in flames with me making ridiculous small talk to the fireman as he saves me from the burning deck.

But… I only work 3 days so it’s now officially my weekend.

And I can hide and sleep. Which is kind of like hide and seek except that I get really annoyed when people wake me up.

Good night. xx

My version of normal…

Had quite a crap day today but I’m okay. I’m happy. I’m breathing in deep and exhaling all slow and with a weird reggae rhythmic motion.

I am channeling all the Marley’s and swinging my dread locks to the beat in my head.

I have been busy for 12 solid hours now. This is the first time I’ve stopped all day. I’m exhausted. But some people work much longer hours than me and probably feel this tiredness in their bones on a regular basis.

I like to have rests. And coffees without being interrupted and breakfast while it’s hot.

I would like to be able to go to the toilet at home and/or at work without a small child calling out my name in a shrill and whinging manner.

I’m hiding in the spare room. After carefully folding, sorting and putting away the washing so that I could move the clothes horse and sit down on the couch in comfort.

I’m hiding from my busy day. My brain is fried. I just realised I forgot to call someone back and I didn’t RSVP to the 5th birthday party this Sunday.

But I’m happy and good and grumpy and almost pimple free.

I’m sleeping on the couch again tonight because it’s better than lying (muttering bad thoughts under my breath) next to my husband with his horrid cough and chest infection.

I am not sick. I am not sad. I am not sure where I left my other pink jumper. I sometimes wear gumboots when it’s not raining and I sometimes have licorice for lunch.

There is no normal or usual. There is just today and the version that I lived. Tomorrow will be different. It may seem longer or shorter as different things will make me laugh.

But I laugh a lot. So that’s good.