#shyfail…

I don’t know if I’ve told you this before but I often (and I mean daily) have the urge to retweet traffic information that is not relevant to me or anyone I know.

Just the thought of it makes me laugh. Like I’m a cutting edge ironic tweeter of things that are irrelevant.

This is the way my brain works.

It’s not always normal.

Although according to some of the people I’ve met while I was a patient at a Mental Health Hospital, normal is just a cycle on the washing machine.

Today I attended a professional development session on mathematics in preschools.

I won snakes and ladders and the chocolate muffins were the most amazing things ever. They had heaps of chocolate in them and cut up chocolate brownie on top.

Anyway I thought that today I might have a go at being shy.

By the end of the course I was apologising to everyone about talking so much and making it all about me.

#shyfail

Give me a silence and I will fill it. In fact I will fill it for so long it will go into the next silence, which is soooooo much more awkward than the first one.

I have the strongest urge to make other people feel comfortable. To make them feel better.

But as I’ve said before lately I end up feeling like a fool after putting myself out there and saying too much.

So it’s just a little bit easier to stay away from people for my own sake.

I need to work out who I am and how to stop being so much of that person all the time because it’s exhausting.

I’m so tired when I get home from a day of being happy around 4 year olds and being calm when I sometimes just really want to scream.

I’m tired of my colleagues not reading my mind. How dare they?

I’ve got a history of burning out in Term 4. Sometime around late October and early November the house of cards doesn’t just fall down it goes down in flames with me making ridiculous small talk to the fireman as he saves me from the burning deck.

But… I only work 3 days so it’s now officially my weekend.

And I can hide and sleep. Which is kind of like hide and seek except that I get really annoyed when people wake me up.

Good night. xx

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Low flame blessings…

Next time I say I wish I could sleep for a week I’ll preface it by saying without a chest infection and pulled muscle.

I’ve coughed up the equivalent of Slimer from the Ghost Busters movies.

As the saying goes there’s no business like phlegm business. Or something like that.

Too much information?

My husband stayed home to look after me today. Which was really just an excuse to get more work done at home than if he’d had to drive 2 hours to a work meeting.

I asked him to peel and grate a carrot and zucchini for the bolognese sauce. He came and showed me the carrot and zucchini after he’d sliced them into pieces and asked how he was supposed to grate them now.

This is the same man who claims his secret recipe for stir fry is mayonnaise.

I did not marry him for his cooking skills.

Which leaves me wondering if it would be in poor taste (pardon the pun) to give him a voucher for a cooking school for a Father’s Day gift.

Or is it the equivalent of the time my Dad gave my Mum a toaster for her birthday?

(They are no longer married.)

Speaking of my Mum the last time she came to visit she told me how lucky I was to have a gas cook top that could be turned down so low.

And I am lucky and I must remember that.

It’s a funny thing to be envious of but I guess we’re all blessed in different ways.

But as I write this from my sick bed I know I’m also so blessed in many other ways.

I’m blessed to have access to a good health system, clean running water and a warm bed with fresh sheets.

I know there are atrocities taking place everyday all over the world.

I sometimes wish I didn’t know.

Would it be easier to live off the grid and be ignorant of the wider world or is the desire to be ignorant worse than being ignorant in the first place?

I’m not sure.

Time to take another tablet and have another nap in my bed in my house with my wonderful gas stove that can be turned down so low.

Lucky me. xx

Meditating to sleep…

“Let’s begin this meditation with the expectation of letting go of everything.”

This is the sentence I listen to every evening as I try to go to sleep.

I put on my eye mask, insert my ear plugs and then pump up the meditation.

My husband falls asleep the second he closes his eyes.

My nearly 9 year old son is the same as his dad with the added bonus of falling asleep as soon as the car goes over 80 for more than five minutes.

If he had been on the bus in the movie Speed he would have slept through the whole thing.

My six year old on the other hand is like me. He needs to be persuaded to sleep physically. Patting his face, saying soothing things and reminding him the one of the key things to sleep is to keep his eyes closed.

Last night I woke up dreaming that spiders were crawling all over my face.

I made myself stay awake and tried to change my thoughts.

I was woken again at 4am as one of my sons had set an alarm on the iPad.

iPads to be banned indefinitely.

For someone who likes sleep so much it doesn’t come easily to me.

So as the meditation says “try to let go of everything”.

Try not to think about work and the issues that come with working with children, their parents and an all female staff whose bosses are untrained volunteers.

Try not to worry about my kids and all the things I do wrong.

To not to stress about dinner, food shopping and why I bought 2 lots of conditioner and no shampoo today.

Try and let go and ignore the snoring and rocking of the man next to me.

And if in doubt remember that the only good thing about having a super dooper runny nose and cold is the night time cold and flu tablets.

Pop two in mouth, wash down with water and in the words of the Frozen Queen “let it go”.

Room with a view…

I’ve been a bit sick lately.

Sleeping a lot.

The kids have been home on holidays so I set them up with snacks, entertainment, water bottles etc and go back to bed.

I hear their footsteps on the floorboards as they come to ask me a question/dob on each other/ask for something else that they know I’m going to say no to.

The other day when my eldest son knocked on the door I told him to come in to my office.

“Mum. It’s a bedroom, not an office”.

Yes. He’s right. But I’ve spent so much time in bed lately that it feels like it’s my occupation.

(And no. Not in a dominatrix or sex worker kind of way. Far too tired for that kind of work. Although I woke up with a pulled muscle in my butt today.)

I change the sheets regularly to keep the room fresh. To change the view.

I burn candles, read books and watch the tennis.

(As a side note if you are going to get sick and need rest always plan to do so during a major sporting event.)

I’m spending less time in my office this week. I even went to my real job and spent time in the office there.

But the best part of spending time in bed has been watching the trees move outside my window and hearing the birds serenade each other.

Seeing the colours of the huge gum tree change as the sun goes up and down.

Watching the world from the same spot all day helps you see how different every day is.

No I’m not on any medication that is causing me to be all sappy and reflective. (Just panadeine and nurofen.)

Back in the real world the pace is quick and I sometimes miss the little things like seeing the wind moving the leaves.

But I’m glad to be up and at em again.

And for those of you are wondering shingles is definitely not the new black.

Night waking…

So for the past few nights I’ve woken up at 3am. Just randomly.

There are no screaming children.

No loud noises outside.

No phone calls.

(Just the usual snoring husband.)

And yet here I am finding myself waking at 3am. Wide awake.

Splitting my peaceful dreaming and sleeping into 2 parts.

I remember clearly the dreams I had before and after 3am last night.

Before 3am I was dreaming about living in a caravan park and sleeping on a mattress on the floor that wasn’t big enough. (There may have been spiders in the bedding which had me alert but not alarmed.) In the dream everyone was awake and being loud in the middle of the night. Kicking footballs and partying.

In my dream after my 3am period of wakefulness I was being chased in a sexy detective way through caves. I looked great. (Hello! It was my dream so I’m hardly gonna look uggers am I?) I was wearing a large wide brimmed hat and a black one piece swimming costume. Kind of like a pasty pale Bond girl. (I think there was a pool. I hope there was a pool. It would be weird of me to being a swimsuit otherwise.)

I wonder if it will happen again tonight? Will I be awoken for no reason and lie in the dark and the cold longing for sleep to come and tuck me in tightly.

I think it’s making me tired. But I’m asleep by 8:30 most nights so maybe I’m getting too much sleep?

Last year when everything was going to hell in an express elevator I would often wake in the night and sob to myself as I worried about all the hard things that the next day would bring and the unrelenting responsibilities that would be thrust upon me from the moment I woke up.

Now I just lie awake hoping that I don’t start to think about needing to pee. Because as well all know once you think about needing to pee you will only feel better once you have gotten up and dealt with nature.

But anyway back to me. I am not scared about 3am.

I am however petrified that my children will wake up at 5:30am on the weekend and pull all their clothes out of their wardrobes in an elaborate game of dress ups… again!

Festivus of slumber…

I seem to have mastered the art of sleep this week.

In the famous words of the orphan Annie last week was AWFUL.

(Actually Annie only referred to yesterday as being “plain awful” but she was 8. If she was 34 she’d naturally be talking about longer periods of time.)

And to be brutally honest there were some massive highs in the last week:

– Meeting, holding and being instantly besotted by a 4 week old bubba.
– A fancy trip to the movies with a kindred spirit.
– A waffle that I shouldn’t have ordered but didn’t regret… initially.
-A weekend away with people who know me too well.
– The perfect satay stir fry and the lightest melt in your mouth roti bread.
– A bike buying and subsequent learning to ride expedition for a lovely soon to be 6 year old.

But mostly this week I have slept.

Tuesday was long and honest and broke me.

Wednesday I slept for 20 hours.

Thursday I pushed myself too hard.

Friday was a disaster culminating in more sleep.

Saturday saw more sleep, bike buying and dinner out.

Sunday I iced a cake, put on a load of washing and went back to bed.

This festival of sleep has been a long time coming. My body has been telling me I needed this for a long time.

It just took my brain shutting down for me to realise it.

An open letter to the sleep fairy…

Dear Sleep Fairy,

“I’m over here” shouts the voice in my head while doing cart wheels and waving Pom-poms wildly while wearing a blue sequined crop top and small white hot pants.

(In real life my head is wearing a sleeping mask with a picture of the Eiffel Tower on it and I have ear plugs in.)

“Shut the hell up” says my brain. “She’s trying to get to sleep.”

“Close your eyes really tightly and try to make it all go black” says the voice back to the brain.

“What if that is actually just a little bit like dying and I don’t wake up” says a random voice that has obviously been disproven every time yet still seems to be considered a reliable source of information by some.

“All of you please just be really quiet and try to think of nothing” says the brain.

“Oooooooh nothing! I can do that. Nothing and unicorns. Nothing and rainbows. Nothing and ….”

“What was that noise?”

“How long until payday?”

“Do I really have an intolerance to marshmallows? Does that make me soft?”

“What time does she have to get up?”

“What time is it now?”

“In 3 hours?”

“That’s not enough”

“Why is she crying?”

“She’s just tired”

“Oh… She should try and get some sleep”

So in closing…

I’m on some new medication that lists insomnia as a possible side effect. And while I would obviously prefer that to liver disease which is also mentioned as a possible side effect I’m actually a little bit over this and would like to sleep now.

Lots of love,

From Me (and my brain and the voices in my head who are not in the least bit tired).

*please feel free to correct my spelling and grammar in your own brain, mine is busy dancing to Beyonce*