Vertigo girl…

All of these ups and downs make for one dizzy girl.

I can’t hear you from here. Or maybe I can and I’m blocking you out. I want to be around you. I want to see you. But the thought of you makes me tired.

And by you I mean anyone that I have to lie to. Anyone that I can’t just say I’m feeling crap and want to sleep all the time.

In many ways I feel heaps better that I have in ages but I doubt it and I doubt me.

I hate lying to my friends but I don’t want to worry anyone and I don’t want to be the drama queen.

Is it like this for everyone? This depression thing? I feel like most of the time I’m a functioning depressive.

I can work, shop, cook, wash and do the school runs. Just.

But then I rest. And by rest I mean crawl into my cave and hide.

It seems like all I ever do here is whinge. I apologise for that. It’s hard to share how I’m feeling without sounding like a moper.

So here are some of my highlights from the past week:

– Cuddling my gorgeous nieces and other beautiful bubbas as they do that whole snuggle and giggle thing.
– Eating cake.
– Sitting and talking to a friend in a crowded room and the look on her face as she realised I was having trouble concentrating. So much kindness and love.
– An espresso and the newspaper and ten minutes of peace.
– Half price Dairy Milk chocolates.
Need I say more?

So I’m up and down and all the things in the middle but I’m feeling it all and that’s good right. x

Today I’m thankful.

Here is my new mantra. Here is the thought that keeps running through my head when I want to run away screaming.

“I must not whinge about my blessings”.

I am lucky. Incredibly lucky and blessed. And I need to remember that.

I have many things in my life that others desire and long for. I must not take them for granted. I must not complain about the amazing blessings in my life.

I have 2 healthy, active, quirky, zany boys who drive me crazy and make me want to cry with frustration sometimes. I must remember that there are people who would love a healthy child of their own to love.

I have a husband who finds me attractive and tells me so often. I must not scowl at him and point out all his flaws.I know I have them too. I could list them all for you but I won’t .

I have a home, a car, a job and I don’t worry about these things.

I have a strong relationship with my mum. I have friends that care about me. I have my health. I am loved.

So I must not complain about the things that I take for granted. The ways in which I am blessed.

A sleepless night up because of one of the kids is not well is not fun but it’s a small price to pay. A husband who travels occasionally with work so that we can afford nice things should not be complained about.

I am so lucky to have so much love in my life and I have so much to be grateful for. And I know that there are people out there who would like to trade places with me. So I will try to remember not to grumble about some of the baggage that comes with my life.

I must not whinge about my blessings.